1. The “IKEA Nightstand” Incident
Crime: Assembled it upside down.
Cover-Up: Called it “postmodern design.”
Lesson: Swedish instructions are a social experiment.
2. The “Gallery Wall of Shame”
Crime: Eyeballed the spacing.
Result: Crooked chaos that haunts my dreams.
Cover Story: “It’s abstract asymmetry.”
Lesson: Levels are not optional—they’re emotional support tools.
3. The Throw Pillow Felony
Crime: Stuffed a $5 pillow with grocery bags.
Telltale Sign: Crinkles when you sit.
Message: Todd says "welcome back!"
4. The “Gaming Chair in the Dining Room” Era
Crime: Replaced chairs with “ergonomic racing seats.”
Consequence: Thanksgiving dinner looked like a Twitch stream.
Bonus: I am now known as the "cool mom" on my sons Twitch account
5. The String Light Overload
Crime: Wrapped every surface in twinkle lights.
Vibe: Dorm room meets holiday panic.
Fallback: “I’m creating a cozy glow.”
Fun Fact: Fire hazards are not hygge.
6. The Fake Plant Massacre
Crime: Spray-painted dead plants “for realism.”
Outcome: Looked like a Halloween decoration.
Current Location: Closet (haunting me).
7. The Rug Too Small to Function
Crime: Bought a 3x5 for a living room the size of a helipad.
Effect: Furniture floating like sad islands.
Defense: It’s minimalism.
Regret Level: High. Like, tripping-on-the-edge high.
How to Avoid My Mistakes
- Measure twice, buy once (or buy extra and hide receipts).
- Velcro > nails (rental-friendly and denial-friendly).
- When in doubt, add fairy lights (distraction is key).
- Leave power tools to professionals or people with tetanus shots.
- Always test paint swatches on the wall, not your imagination
- Not everything needs to be a “moment.” Especially the toilet!
Your Turn:
DM me your decor crimes—I’ll Photoshop you a “get out of jail free” mockup.
